Love, Like Ink, Bleeds Through
by ForeverShippingJohnlock
Summary: One morning, Steve finds a note on his kitchen table, just two words long: "I'm sorry". He knows it's from Bucky. On a whim, he replies to it and leaves the paper on the table. The next morning, he finds another message. This pattern continues for days and they both discover that it's easier to write the things they'd never had the courage to say out loud.


Love, Like Ink, Bleeds Through

**Author's Note: ****Hey guys! So this fic is something more unique that I've never really tried before. It's all dialogue in the form of written notes. I read a fic a little while ago that was in the form of handwritten notes between Steve and Bucky and I just found the format so intriguing that I had to write something like it! And so this little post winter soldier hurt/comfort sort of idea formed in my head and I had to write it down. Hope you like it! :D**

**Thanks to my bffl Fiona (fionasank) who was the first person to read this and assure me it was worth uploading lol :P**

I'm sorry.

_Come back__ Come __home__. Please. _

I can't.

_Why?_

You know why.

_Humour me then._

What I've done… The people I've killed… Steve, you don't know.

_Bucky… That wasn't you. You've got to know that._

That's the thing. I DON'T know. I barely even know who I am anymore.

_You're James Buchanan Barnes. You're my best friend._

I know you don't want to hear this, but those are just words. They don't resonate, not properly anyway.

_So you don't remember anything?_

Some things. I get these flashes. Pieces of a puzzle I can't fit together.

_I could help you try and fill in the blanks, if you want. Please, Bucky, I need to feel like I'm doing __something__. _

Alright. I had this dream. There were lots of people. And cotton candy. You were smaller.

_That's gotta be Coney Island! You made me ride the Cyclone and I threw up. You felt pretty bad about it… until I made you turn around and go right back on it with me. Do you remember?_

No. I'm sorry.

_You don't need to apologize, Buck. It'll come back to you. I know it will. _

And if it doesn't?

_Then I guess we'll just have to make new memories to replace the old ones, won't we?_

How do you do it? How do you care this much? Why?

_Because I meant what I said back on the helicarrier. I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal._

You're with Bucky Barnes 'til the end of the line. And I'm not him. Haven't been for a long time.

_I refuse to believe that. I know my friend's still in there._

Really? So your friend would have killed men while they slept defenseless in their beds? He would have torn apart families, killing innocent women and children just because they got in the way of the main objective? Because that's what I did, Steve. That's what I am. The asset. The Winter Soldier. The WEAPON.

_I read your file. I know what happened to you and I'm so sorry. But all those things… that wasn't __you__. Not really. You may have been the gun, but Hydra pulled the trigger. None of this is your fault. You're so much more than a weapon, Bucky. Just come back so I can help you see that. Please. _

I can't. Not yet. I won't risk hurting you.

_I don't think you could ever hurt me. _

What about the helicarrier, huh? I beat you to a goddamn pulp, Rogers. Not to mention I SHOT you. Three times.

_If you're as ruthless as you say you are, you would have taken the kill shot, first chance you got. But you didn't, and I think there's a reason for that. And it's the same reason you pulled me out of the Potomac._

Yeah? And what reason would that be?

_Even when we had nothing, we had each other. We grew up together, we fought together; if we were doing anything, chances are we were doing it together. That's just how we worked. We each tilted around the other's axis, Buck. At least, I know I did around yours. That kind of thing runs deep, deep enough that it's not easy to get rid of. _

How very… poetic of you.

_Shut up, jerk._

Not a chance, punk.

_Okay, so maybe I'm not the best at explaining these things, but what we have goes __beyond__ definition, don't you see?_

Steve, can I ask you a question?

_Of course. _

Did we ever… I mean, were we lovers?

_No… we weren't._

Oh.

_Is that surprising?_

It's just that I No. Not surprising.

_Wait, what were you going to say?_

Drop it, Rogers.

_I can't. Please tell me. I mean, you don't have to, of course, but I'd love to know what you're thinking. I… I __need__ to know what you're thinking. _

It's going to change things. I know it will.

_Bucky, I died in one century and woke up in the next. I have seen aliens, Norse gods, and a big green rage monster. I doubt a bit more change is gonna kill me. _

You asked for it. You know how I said I remember things in flashes? Well, most of them are about you. I'll remember the sound of wet coughs and feel this consuming fear. I remember a roof and fireworks for your birthday. I remember warmth on the coldest nights, so close to me. I remember stares that were a bit too intense, lasting too long. Most of all, though, are these brief glimpses of a bigger emotion. An emotion I don't even know I'm ready to name, let alone feel. It scares me.

_I don't even know what to say, where to __start__._

You don't have to say anything. I just need you to answer one question.

_Anything, Bucky. Anything._

Is this what love feels like? It's just, I can't REMEMBER, Steve. What it feels like. What if you don't What if I'm wrong about this? Am I wrong about this?

_Please come back. I need you to come back. _

Answer the goddamn question!

_Not like this. I need to see you. _

Steve. Please.

_I could never really say no to you, could I? Fine. James Buchanan Barnes, I love you. Not as a brother, not as a friend. I'm in love with you, always have been. And from what you're saying, maybe you were in love with me too. Let's talk about it. Face-to-face. This has to end some time. _

Are.

_What?_

You said "were in love". You should have said "are".

_Bucky… what are you saying?_

I'm saying there's a lot I still don't know, but I think there's one thing I do.

_And what's that?_

I love you, too.

_Don't do this just because you think it's what I want. You have to be sure. __I couldn't take it if__ You have to be sure this is what you want. _

It's about the only thing I am sure of.

_Please stay. __I want__I need__ Please, Bucky, you're killing me here._

What do you want, Stevie? What do you need?

_I need to see you. I need to hold you. Touch you. Kiss you. I need to reassure myself that you're real, that this all isn't just a dream. I want to feel you come apart under my hands. I need… everything. Everything you're willing to give. Christ, I want you so bad, Buck. Need you._

Turn around.

**Author's Note: ****The only tragedy of all dialogue fics - as fun as they are to write - is that you can't write the making out lol ;) I hope you enjoyed the story, and feedback would most definitely be appreciated :)**


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